Saturday, April 11, 2009

Maundy Thursday

(I wrote this yesterday morning, Friday, and am just now posting it:0)

I have not written in a while. I’m sorry. Or you’re welcome (whichever suites you)! :0) I don’t exactly know what the reason has been for my absence. I have been following others stories, just not writing my own.

I think, sometimes, I get a little overwhelmed as I read the blogs. I am moved, and saddened, and humbled, and devastated, and humored, and intrigued… I could go on…

Like Misty I begin to get really wrapped up in other people’s stories. I begin to go through their struggles. I begin to plead with God for people I have not met yet (I say yet because I really like the way Angie put it). I even begin to feel guilty for my own blessings.

“How did I deserve to have such healthy babies, when so many people out there are delivering theirs to Jesus?”

Of course we will never know the answers to these questions or the many others we have until we are sitting at the feet of our most precious Lord breathing in his grace…

My story? I haven’t figured it out.

Today, this is what I am…

I am a woman who has been praying feverishly for Stellan. I have never laid eyes on him and yet I want Jesus to heal him (preferably on earth)!

I am a woman who longs to trust in God like Angie does. I have never met her. I do not know her face, or her childhood fantasy, or her middle name, but I want to trust God’s Grace just like she does.

I am an undeserving woman who married an undeserving man and by the Grace of God we are living a fairy tale life. I adore him; he adores Jesus; it just works…

I am a woman who wept through the Maundy Thursday service last night. In the past few weeks I have felt “absent” at church. I don’t know if it is me, or Satan, or both, but I haven’t really been there. And it has shown in my life (ask my kids). But last night… Oh my… I wept like I was in pain. I wept like a broken woman who was being led back to safety by someone who loves me more than I deserve. I don’t know why it hit me so hard but I was shattered. God moved me. Our first song of worship was the Doxology. I grew up with that song. I haven’t heard it in years, but it is part of me. Jesus knew that. I think he picked it just for me… It was a miraculous display of the Creator of the ENTIRE world taking the time to show me that he’s still here…

I am a woman who is broken because even though my children are perfectly healthy, they are perfectly sinful as well. I have not escaped my share of suffering; wondering if my children will inherit the Kingdom; wondering if I am doing enough (I’ll get to the specifics later, when I’m ready)…

Perhaps I am just a woman overcome with the season… Today is the anniversary of Jesus’ crucifixion… I am undeserving. I am a sinner. Maybe beyond hope. I can’t help but ask why… We are so self-righteous by nature that I can’t even imagine the sacrifice. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my child for someone who was truly deserving, let alone someone who will never be!!!

But he did. He is. He does…

Maybe the point of all of this is that I am learning. I am growing. I am better because of other people’s stories. And definitely better because of Him. Maybe I needed to stop talking (writing) for a minute and just listen. Just absorb…

He is God. He is Grace. He deserves all praises.

And in this past week I have been blessed by so many people, some I know, some I do not. I just feel the need to post a few names here of people who have shaped me this week:

My Prince Charming

I am so undeserving…

Happy Maundy Thursday. Happy Good Friday. May you go out into the world and just listen. May you confront all problems you face with the peace that passes understanding. And may God be with you as he has been with me!


Shannon Hartz said...

Hi friend, I'm glad you're back blogging, I've missed you - you too are quite and encouragement to me. I LOVE reading how God is moving in your heart and life:) It's so weird, this Easter I've been moved in a way too that i never have before. I was raised in the church. Good Friday, Easter it's always been an important time for me. this isn't my first year celebrating Easter as a mother either, but I've always thought of it from Jesus' perspective - the sacrifice He made. It wasn't util thsi year, that I looked at it from God's perspective, as a parent - sacrificing His ONLY Son!! I've read it, I know the verse by heart, but this year, the thought of sacrificing one of my children... the thought alone was more than horrifying. Being willling to die for another, that I could grasp, but sacrifing my child... The love He has for us is so humbling.

Shannon Hartz said...

Opps, sorry about all the spelling/typing mistakes - I was just typing away, and didn't read it until after I'd posted it - as an English teacher, I'm sure it's going to drive you crazy - next time I'll spell check first:)